Nothing like crazy thoughts in the middle of the night to highlight the landscape of your faith. I had one of those nights last night–a mixture of Nyquil, sickness, and the true state of my heart. I have been off of my rhythm of fellowship with God this week, so I have not interfaced with truth. I realized that as I lay awake last night in a sea of worry. It was like I could not muster an ounce of faith. I was a master of doubt and anxiety.
I have been sick this week, and my mind has been cloudy. As I have been on the couch, mindless things have been feeding my brain and heart, but they are not so mindless. After hours of tv, thoughts like, “if I just had this much more money, I would feel safe.” Thoughts like–“just go get a job, the support will never come in.” “What are you doing anyway? You are a fool.” “Do you think you know anything to share with anyone?” “You will be so old when you are a mom that you will not be able to be there for your children.” And my favorite, “how do I get my dog to stop climbing over the fence?” (true story…and if you have free suggestions, we need them.)
How am I overcome so quickly? A good portion of being overcome is being disconnected from God. It does not take long for his truth to ground me, but it also does not take long for the opposite to occur– for lies to disarm me. I have been worried about money and leadership and our future, and I have kept feeding my soul and mind with this world’s view of provision instead of God’s. My world tells me that a savings account is my safety, that luxuries and ease are deserved, and that comfort of circumstance is the true measure of a good life.
Yesterday afternoon, I had the opportunity of sitting in on a conversation with a man I respect and a girl I meet with. They were speaking about the future, life plans, etc. A word of wisdom meant for her ripped at my heart. He said that the best place to be is in need to have to depend on God’s provision because you are in a place of faith instead of depending on yourself or your circumstances. It is not a revolutionary thought, but my eyes were opened to the reality of my heart. There have been places that have been much easier in my life, and I began to think that it was my doing and my resources. I have trusted in them instead of God. (I did not acknowledge that, but that was the reality). I have spent this week worrying about things instead of taking them to God and acknowledging that in every area of life I need him. I am in a place that is a gift to know God and see God, but I have been about me.
My desire would be to wrap this post up with a nice bow of how my faith has moved mountains today. The truth is, I see how I need to spend much time and energy praying, examining my heart, confessing the areas of lack of trust in my Father, and remembering his faithfulness. I think on my friend, Daniel, who is in an extremely trying time (that is an understatement) and whose faith in Christ and his power is the hope that’s carrying him. That is not on sheer whim, but it is on the bedrock of God’s truth, provision and faithfulness. I must remember the bedrock of God’s provision, and pray for faith.
“Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anthing is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Philippians 4:6-8