The last few weeks, I have been praying and concentrating heartily to guard my heart against anxiety and thinking on things that send me in a tailspin. The particular thing the last few weeks has been fertility. God has been gracious beyond belief to help me stay in the day, not panicking or thinking ahead. (This is really personal to post, but I feel I should.)
Last night signaled a little tailspin. I realized that I was not pregnant this month after another procedure. The last two weeks I had been praying for my hope to be in Christ and not circumstance–and it really has been. I think all perspective went out the window last night and today, though. Dreams about it, panic about feeling left behind, all of these things blend together for self-pity. Self-pity is wrong. Period. It means I am not sharing with God my heart and not trusting him. He is in control of my womb. He has reasons. For all that he has shown me and done in me, I trust him. I just get sad when I lose perspective so easily. I realized as I was praying this morning that subconsciously I thought “if I have a good attitude about this, it will come.” Like I could get rewarded for a work of a good attitude…like I could manipulate God. I had forgotten the gospel in the midst. I had forgotten God’s gracious and compassionate and faithful character.
God was gracious this morning to me as my Father. I was reminded of all of the women who are in the groups I am leading this year. There are 6 women that I have been around (5 in groups and one a mentor) and I am grateful to see their heart for their grown children. I have been privy to see their heartache and their joys, their anxieties and their prayers. It is so easy to forget the other side of this whole thing. It becomes a challenge to see…will I ever get pregnant? And then, I see the complexities of raising children, the heartaches when they go the opposite way you desire, the worry that multiplies as they make tragic mistakes. I see the pain and joy that comes in child-rearing. I also see, in each of these women, that their hope is not in their children or their husband but in God the Father, the Spirit and Jesus. The more relationships that are added to our lives (whether husbands, wives, children, disciples, ailing parents, neighbors, friends), the more we see the need to trust God more and relinquish our “control.” We see our need for him alone. So, whether it’s waiting for children in his plan or raising them–our hope is not in them, but in Christ.
I have memorized Psalm 73:25-26 this week–“Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
He reminded me that my flesh may fail…my body might not be acting like I want it to….my heart may fail in it’s perspective, but He is my hope. He is my peace. He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever regardless of circumstance, regardless of emotion, regardless of my faithfulness. So, for right now, I am sad (and that’s okay), but my mind and heart are renewed in his truth. I will need to be renewed daily (Romans 12:2). I am also reminded to be thankful for all the opportunities he has presented me with to love and pour into women.