authenticity, grace, infertility, isolation, self-absorption, spiritual growth

Isolation Remixed

Well, it is always a good lesson to put into practice that which you share–i.e., the prior blog. Last Tuesday afternoon marked a time of sadness for me about infertility, and I thought a lot about the blog when I decided how I should respond. My first inclination was to isolate myself–“No one wants to hear this, they may try to give you advice, they will not understand, you will bother them…”
However, I realized it was a time that I really needed help by bringing it to light. Sometimes it is a burden to share with others (I know this sounds awful). When you are sad and tired, it takes energy and time to communicate that which is on your heart. The simplest thing seems to be to push it down, but it is not the best thing. I gathered up the courage to call my husband who prayed for me and loved me well (way to go, Greg). Then, instead of acting like an in charge Aunt, I sent a text to my niece asking for prayer. I also shared with my friend who had gotten good news that day instead of hiding my emotions to not bother her. They all responded in precious ways. I was not cured from hurt, but I knew they were praying and loving me just the same. Instead of feeling ridiculous for the way I was feeling (which is what I felt before sharing), permission was given to be sad in the midst.
Thursday I got the opportunity to eat lunch with a new friend and hear her journey with fertility. It was good to be with one another and be real. Friday, Saturday and Sunday were pretty packed with people. I sit here today utterly exhausted with no emotional reserves. I long for the hurt to go away so I can get on with life today and this week–chores, study, celebrations, taxes, leading, listening, preparing for Easter. My friend, Beth, is always good to remind me to take my own advice–giving grace and going to God in the midst of the struggle. Why is it that I am such a hypocrit? Maybe because the person I am is merely learning to become that which it is not naturally–dependent, trusting, resting, bearing, loving (all characteristics of Christ) instead of self-reliant, self-righteous, independent, critical, and straight up selfish (all characteristics of Jen)! I thank God that through Christ, he gives immense grace.
So, today I pray to put into practice that which I know is true–‘I am the Vine, you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit. Apart from me, you can do nothing.’ ‘His yoke is easy and his burden in light.’ My niece reminded me last week that Jesus wept–he knew sadness. May I trust Him in the midst.

1 thought on “Isolation Remixed”

  1. Jen, your honesty is (as always) striking and inspiring. Know that you are loved and prayed for…Thanks for sharing. It’s NEVER a bother to read.

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