This continues to be an intense season of pain, and truthfully, I do not like it. Yesterday, God brought me to a place where I had to cry out for help to be able to process the pain in some way. My tears that flow easily for the pain of others do not flow easily for my individual pain. I texted my friend Beth that I was cry constipated. There is this burning sorrow within me that I know needs to be experienced or I am going to totally shut down. (She suggested a sappy hallmark movie to get the tears flowing.)
It is ironic that in the month that I felt a peace in taking time off of our infertility treatments, I have the most intense sadness. What do I want? Well…I want the pain to go away. That is the immediate want. I want to live my life devoid of the emotions of sadness and anger that seem to be plaguing my heart. “God, could you do that so I can get on about your business?” What I am learning…this is His business…this process of sadness and barrenness and lack of whys to explain everything away. He does not work in the way that I want Him to work. He is so much wiser and has a much better purpose than making me feel better about life–a deeper truer life-changing purpose.
I sat with a dear friend who is heartbroken last week, and finally admitted that the older I get the more messy life gets. Messy in that I cannot package a “why” for everything–even in retrospect. It makes me feel safe to try to figure God out…”oh, He is doing this so He can do this and so this will happen…and He gets the most glory this way because life is about His glory.” I do know His word says that we are to live to glorify Him and that He is making us more like Him progressively…and He is the victor. However, things along the way are not that neat because of a little thing called sin–the consequences of it played out in this world–in my heart–in families–in my womb. I realize as well that I am afraid of other’s reaction to my pain…I would rather package it neatly with an answer than to have to experience people not knowing what to say or running away or saying something hurtfully stupid.
I finally admitted to myself and God that I want a biological child, and the longer this thing goes and we get to the end of treatments, the more the reality of that seems bleak. I want to be able to shoulder all of this with a good neat attitude, but I am a bit of a mess. And, I am learning that God wants me to be a mess in Him–sharing my heart–walking with Him.
So, if you came today to read a neatly packaged story of life to gain a tidbit of wisdom–I am sorry. This is the work He is doing–and this is me not quite understanding it.
The Art of Coming Alive 
I LOVED your post. I’m right there with ya, sister! Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Jen – thanks for sharing your broken, beautiful, and beating heart. I know it’s painful, but there’s something cathartic about writing it out. I hope your words are soothing to your heart but that your soul is also being soothed and nourished by the Words of God. I know you’re seeking, sweet girl.
I like this:
“I cannot package a “why” for everything–even in retrospect”
That line is so challenging for me. I so often face a friend’s pain (or my own) with the cliche about understanding later why God asked us to go through it now. But the honest truth is – we may never know! It may only be revealed to us on the other side of this world, and in the meantime we’re struggling with how to manage the pain and continue to do the Lord’s work.
I’m thinking of you today… and though we only know each other through a casual “hello” and occasional blog posts, I’m grateful for the way you’ve personally touched the lives of so many of my precious friends. It’s like you’re a spiritual cousin. 🙂
Blessings, sweet one.
Erin
You have no idea what a gift it is for you to allow us to see your “mess.” The reality is, that we’re all a mess in one way or another. Most of us, either haven’t learned to truly lean on the Lord and walk around numb, or we lie to everyone with a facade of fake happiness or piousness. The wisdom is in your honesty and transparency. I’m praying for you today.
Thank you dear women. I always take a risk when I share my heart. There is a certain fear that people will recoil or think I’m nuts. I am grateful for sisters or “cousins” that share my pain and pray faithfully. Your are a gift.
You have such an expressive way with words. Thanks for sharing your heart. I feel like I have walked this journey as you described it in my own life. Though I do have 2 children, they did not come easily, and we have lost 5 babies. I was “diagnosed” with something while pregnant with my 2nd child that we hoped, with medication, would “fix” any future miscarriages. But this past summer, we lost our 5th. I completely understand what you mean about the “why package.” When we knew “why” we were able to process it, then with the last loss, our “why” was destroyed and all we had left was/is Christ.
Though it’s a seriously difficult place to be in, I am learning to embrace fully the not knowing why, and try to trust His plan, though I can’t understand it. It IS a messy place to be in…when you don’t even understand yourself and so you can’t help others understand. Keep on embracing the mess, because it’s your vulnerability that God will use to minister to other women.
Jen, your heart is poured out for all to see and amidst the pain and suffering is a very clear picture of the hard stuff that you are enduring for Him. I am in agreement with the other sisters here. I am amazed at your ability to be so transparent with your journey and your faith. I certainly have grown a lot just reading along. God bless you and keep you sister! Praying for you! Love your heartfelt posts. Thanks for keeping it so real!