It has been a while since I have written. There’s so much to tell yet so little. Part of me wants to pull back all the way from blogging because I have put a vulnerable part of myself out there, and I have found myself feeling responsible to walk this infertility journey out perfectly. Performance…it still plagues me. This year, I have learned so much more about the depths of the gospel and grace, and yet, in the most intimate area of my life, I still seek to perform for God and others. Wow. This again shows my need to rest in Christ’s righteousness.
Nothing has changed on the fertility front except for the shutdown of all emotions and then the eruption of anger. I long to grieve, yet I am afraid of it. I do not want to be a whiny person who talks about it all the time and feasts on her tears. But I need to cry with tears–lots of them that have not come. So, we are taking a break from even talking about the future of children. I cannot make one more decision right now about the whole process–period. So, after wise counsel, we are taking several months of reprieve. The whole process of infertility is exhausting and messy and uncontrollable. It is a beast that I have sought to respond in the best way to, but I am exhausted. After some more wise counsel, I have pulled back from some of my public responsibilities in order to create space to process and grieve (curbing the performance). This life is a marathon and infertility can cause you to run sprint after sprint after sprint to where all your reserves are gone. So, I am taking some time to regroup in training for the marathon.
On my pantry (which is covered in chalk board paint), I have a reminder for this season.
“He does not grow faint or weary; His understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who WAIT for the LORD shall renew their strength…” Isaiah 40:28-31
I do not know what this journey will look like. Truthfully, I do not want to have to experience it. I would rather be numb and busy myself up! But, that is not the way of the Father. He has distinct purposes in this time…in this season. I do not necessarily understand them, but He is immortal invisible God only wise and I’m not. Margin has been created to experience the grief, and I am hopeful for restoration in Him. If I do not deal now, well, much more damage will be done. My father’s sickness and death, Greg’s rheumatoid arthritis and the change that has come with that, the ringer of infertility, starting and running a non-profit ministry–all of those within the last five years (mostly the last two). God is showing me I am not superhuman. I am in need, weak and His beloved daughter. May He be glorified in my weakness. I pray He be glorified in yours, too.