The last few weeks, I have been working with a couple of the young women I disciple to help them identify where their hearts are in the everyday. The objective is to stop and identify where they are as they come to God–sharing their heart with God, joys, disappointments and confusion. This is where prayer begins…with honesty and connection.
I begin honestly this morning with the fact that I am feeling defeated. Criticism from others and myself has torn me down. I have taken part in this process because I have listened to and ingested the poisons. Don’t we all? We do not live the Christian life in a vacuum from the real world. We are learning to have hope while IN the real world.
I knew I would die today without the truth and His presence to fill me up again…to counteract the darkness that is swallowing me. So, I fixed Jack a blanket with all kinds of toys, turned on this kid’s hymn cd my friend, Cindy, gave me and began to talk to God.
First, I identified all the things going through my heart and mind. These are some of the phrases…defeated and anxious, broken, guarded, pointless as a leader, helpless to affect change, small, not in control. Just the way we all like to start our day:).
Next, I identified from God’s word what He says about Himself–where and who Jesus is. I camped in Colossians 1:15-20. He is the Center, Creator, the Image of the invisible God, Firstborn over all creation, All things made through Him, to Him, for Him. He is before all things–all things HOLD TOGETHER IN HIM. He is the Head of the body/The church (in control). He is preimminent in everything. My body and spirit began relaxing into Him.
Then, my response to Him. Thankful, restful–called Him my Refuge, my Hope, my Righteousness. As I was praying and reading, “This Is My Father’s World” was playing in the background. Jack pulled up on my stool, and I picked him up to dance and sing.
“This is my Father’s world,
O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world
The battle is not done
Jesus who died shall be satisfied
And earth and heav’n be One.”
Maltie Davenport Babcock
Oh, the beauty of God singing over me as I sang over my child. Jack smiled with delight, and I smiled with delight thinking of in whom my hope resides. See, I am broken, pointless, helpless, guarded, defeated without Jesus. I am no different than anyone else. I am small and not in control. However, in Him, there is no condemnation toward me. I rest in Him. I delight in Him. He holds everything together.
Oh Christ, be the center of our lives
Be the place we fix our eyes
Criticism will always be as long as we are on this earth. As a mother, the stakes have been upped. I am convicted of all the times I am critical in my heart and with my mouth. Every parent out there has a way they do things…a lot of things are preferences, some are morally right and wrong. There is a time to speak up for the welfare of a child, but mostly we need to keep our mouths shut and support one another through prayer (speaking to myself here).
There is a huge gift in the grace of Jesus…we cannot be perfect, He is. I want to listen to the Spirit’s leading in parenting Jack. I want Jack to know he cannot be perfect or righteous on his own. I want him to learn that from me and Greg. I desire that we parent with humility, with grace, with dependence on Jesus. All of these desires are in me, but they are complicated in the “real” world when comparisons and expectations arise.
I cannot parent in this way without being parented by my Gracious Father–blanketed in His truth. So, I come again and again defeated and needy, and again and again He reminds me that in Him all things hold together. What a beautiful, gracious, loving Lord we serve.