It’s not the load that breaks you–it’s how you carry it.

Mondays are the most #getrealwednesday days of the week.  How we approach them frames our whole week.

Dread.  Avoidance.  Letting the treadmill take us where it is going anyway.  Trying to blend in and not rock a boat.

Hope. Fight.  Renewed Purpose. Asking for help from the right places. Looking for opportunities to make a difference.

These two lines of thought start with our hearts, our thinking, and our worldview.

I spent most of 2016 feeling the beatdown, believing the beatdown, and not fighting with truth.  Weary, tired, disconnected, and feeling the fail in every area of my life. I just wanted to make it through–numb down the hard that would not be changing anyway.  Sound familiar in your soul?  I chose for the load to break me in half and another million pieces.  I felt too tired to do the small things day to day to choose Hope and to press into the Lord.

I believed the lies that were being hurled my way…”this is your lot–fine job you are doing, Jen.”   “you are literally failing at everything–too much screen time, cannot connect with your kid, cannot grow your team, cannot meal plan and cook for your family, cannot get the balance in life, cannot sleep, cannot enjoy your children…”

And then….everything broke within me in one moment.  And, I realized that I needed the Lord desperately like I have never felt or recognized.  I knew I had to tend to my soul which meant going to painful places.  I called the counselor that I didn’t think I could spare the time or money for, and I realized that she would be my friend for life on this journey of SPD and rheumatoid arthritis and mothering and pastor’s wifing and reformed people pleasing.  When we are broken and cannot fake it, we have the opportunity to act without thinking about what it looks like to others.  Little by little, I began to feel Living Water flowing through my soul again.  I began to find and hear the Spirit working through me.  I began to call out the root of all the lies that had been barraging me.  I began to take back my voice that I had lost.   I began to see glimpses of the real Jen coming back to life but more.

I am a different person than I was a year ago at this time. Have my continuing circumstances changed?  No.  Do I have a promise that they will change? No.  I am being renewed within day by day and by the grace of the Lord Jesus.  Before, I was letting the load crush me.  I was choosing to think in the worst of ways giving in to “this is my lot and it will never change.”  I was silencing the voice of Hope within me.  However, the Lord was not finished with His work in me, and He uses our pain and our need to awaken us to true Life.  I am so thankful to Him, and I am reminded of His grace at every turn.

This is not my performance in life; it is my dependence.  I have learned to depend again.  I am beyond thankful…and this is the posture and the legacy that I want to pass to my children and everyone I come into contact with on this journey.

Where are you today?  I am here to tell you, even amongst the rubble of your choices, there is Hope.