How many times this week have you wanted to throw in the towel?

It may be a relationship with a spouse, a parent, a child, a co-worker. It may be a job that you just can’t figure out or seem to fit with. It may be a sin that you are weary of fighting. It may be your sobriety. It may be your faith. Sometimes you just feel done, huh?

I have only lived 44 years, but I see the pattern. It is hard to go the distance. I have seen people totally dismantle their lives for the sake of not going in the same hard direction. It seems that it is an abrupt about-face from the outside. You see someone ditch their faith or their marriage or both. You see someone who used to have a steady rhythm begin to thrive on jazz. You sit in disbelief, but are you really surprised? Did it all happen in one fell swoop?

Those who endure…they are few and far between. No one wants to be a quitter, but everyone thinks about it.

Endure: the ability to withstand hardship or adversity; the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity     syn: ceaselessness, continuance, durability, persistence

Persevere: to persist in a state/enterprise in spite of counter-influences, opposition, or discouragement. To carry on, persist. To continue trying even after rejected. Synonyms: endure, hold fast, press on, proceed, stand firm, be resolved, be determined, see it through, stay the course

It seems that to endure and to persevere you need a real purpose. Life is hard–“you can do hard things” is a mantra I say a lot around my house. Do I do hard things for the challenge? Nope (I know some of you do) A good challenge is not worth that to me. Do I encourage my boys and myself to do hard things to build stamina for the “graduate” level hard that is to come in life? Yes. If I cannot do the little things to build my strength, I am in trouble when the earthquake comes that shakes my very core. What we choose day in and day out either builds our stamina toward perseverance or weakens our muscles of commitment. We feed ourselves with messages and reminders and statements of what is most important. For example, how are you building your core worldview? Is your life about what it makes you feel, what you experience/enjoy, what’s fun? You might be depositing into a life of decisions built to avoid pain. You may think you don’t deserve it and any situation feeding into that that you should escape.  Is life about pleasure or something more? 

We are getting deep.

Antonyms of persevere:  cease, discontinue, give up, stop, leave, quit

A few mornings ago, I was reading a passage of Scripture from 2nd Timothy, and one part of a sentence screamed at me.  “For Demas, in love with this present world, has deserted me and gone to Thessolonica.” 

Demas is mentioned briefly in 2nd Timothy 4:10(64-65ish AD), but I can read in-between the lines.  He has a story.  So, I cross-referenced him.  He was mentioned two other times in Paul’s letters to Philemon (written around 61 AD) and to the Colossian church (62 AD) as a fellow laborer sending greetings. To give some perspective on 2nd Timothy, Paul was imprisoned in Rome and would be put to death soon.   It was a very personal letter written to Timothy to encourage him to continue on in faithfulness and endurance amidst suffering and persecution as Paul would not be there to encourage him on.  In the setting of the letter, it is no mistake that Demas was mentioned.  He had chosen not to endure for the sake of the Gospel.  Paul, imprisoned, was abandoned by Demas and Luke alone was with him while he faced death but kept doing the work of the Gospel. 

 Paul’s personal message to Timothy passed to us…“But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.  All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.” 2 Timothy 3:14-17

 “For a time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to truth and wander off into myths.” 2 Timothy 4:2-3

Ever asked around for advice until you got the kind you wanted that fit with your desires?  Like a child looking for the weak parent to say yes, we search out someone who is going to make us feel good about what we want or what we don’t want (the hard). All of us do it, and the further away from the grounding of Truth, the easier it is to swallow down and to justify ourselves and for it to seem not just okay—but good.  It seems that Demas decided to pursue his wants in the world, and he did not persevere in the hard or in the Truth.   He had the gift of God’s word to understand and to be equipped, but he was feeding his desires in the other direction.

So, it seems clear that your relationship to The Scripture through the Lord and endurance go hand in hand in your spiritual endurance.  Your decision to press in comes every day.  Just like Demas, you choose what you gaze on and build love toward.   Are you building more of a love for the things of the world or the things of God? Scripture is the place that God has revealed His character, heart and ways. Are you in it? Are you submitting your feelings, thoughts and behaviors to His truth and to His ways and being transformed in Him or are you seeking what feels right and good to your desires at the moment?  

And… in other areas like marriage, parenting, work, what desires are you feeding in those areas? You will find people out there to feed into what you want to throw in the towel on, but that is not necessarily the wisest decision. Nothing worth it is easy. So, seek the scriptures, seek wise counsel that is willing to ask you hard questions, and be aware of your tendencies in the midst. I encourage you to count the cost of endurance because there is great reward.

Definitions trip us up

My young adult years were filled with a bit of wandering and confusion about vocation. I felt this pressure to find the “thing” that fit all of the definitions. It had to be this magical path in my mind.

I was 22. I felt a “call” as they say in the Baptist Church. I went down front in tears and clueless about the path I would be walking. The definition I was grappling with: Ministry.

The next week, I walked into the office of a mentor of mine that had lived the life of a woman in ministry. She listened to my wrestling and questions, and then she spoke beautiful wisdom to me. “Jen, do not make this about a cause of being a woman or a title to your name.” (this is paraphrased as it has been 22 years since this conversation) I nodded. Over the next years, it became an understanding in my heart.

My definition thought…you get the “call” from God, go to seminary and get a job in a church. But, the truth? I had no idea what I was doing and what my “giftings” were. If I had chosen that “path,” it would have been contrived.

Hilariously, my pride was taken down many notches because as I was waiting on this “plan” from God, I waited tables, worked as a nanny, worked as a receptionist, worked at a Summer camp, got kicked out of flight attendant training with Delta (because of heart issues/fainting), and many more.

I lived in 4 different cities during that time, and there was ONE thing that was consistent. I started discipleship groups for girls–middle school, high school, etc. I had not a clue what I was doing, but I knew there was a need.

I moved back to Knoxville 20 years ago to go to grad school in School Counseling. It made sense, and it seemed to blend with how God had made me. It wasn’t seminary, but somehow I knew I had not “failed.”

During this period of grad school, I led a high school group of girls for several years. I also went to lots of camps and retreats with Greg while we were dating and newlyweds and did informal ministry there as I connected with kids and college students.

As I reflect this morning, I understand that I was called to a way of life. It’s not about the cause or a title. It’s actually about living in less of me and more of Him. It’s about serving others (which is messy). It’s about “seeing” people by being an ambassador for El Roi, The God Who Sees.

While I worked in my first School Counseling job, I saw it as a ministry within the walls of that school for students and teachers. I also began leading a group of College Aged women that I journeyed and grew up with for the next five years week in and week out. They really taught me about what it was to love, to bear with others and to lead through messy spaces.

See, It wasn’t about a title or a platform. I think this world of platforms, followings and book deals today often precludes people from “seeing” others and their needs. Real ministry is done in the small conversations, the weary moments of recognizing a need. Real ministry is done by people who are in the process of being transformed by Him.

I began this journey looking for the “what,” but He was calling me to the “who.” It is not so much the “how to” for others as it is the surrendering of my heart to Him daily and over time for His renown and not mine. It is not about a “cause” of who gets to be in ministry or what title is given. It is about sharing the Hope of Jesus in the midst of brokenness–my own and others.

Ironically, it was 10 years from my formal call that I formed a non-profit ministry for women’s discipleship. It was just an extension of what I was doing anyway. And, when my sweet boys arrived on the scene with more needs than I could handle while “running” the ministry, I shut it down. In the old definitions in my head, that could have been disobedience or failure. However, in my business now, I am exposed to many people to “see” and to connect with the Hope of the Gospel. They are different outer definitions same inner call.

There are plenty, plenty, plenty of women who are broken and in need. Some look like they lack for nothing and yet they are empty and searching and shredded on the inside. Some look worn and are worn because they don’t have the means to “pretty it up.” They need someone to see them. The more I have grown, the more I realize that I am a mess of need with a Beautifully Gracious Savior. My life is about pointing to Him.

The very places that I have experienced brokenness give me eyes to see that in others and to offer a cup of water to them. You have those places, too. However, you may have been operating from skewed definitions of what ministry means. There are plenty of people with the title or a cause that are not living ministry to others. On the flip side, there are people who are equipped to serve but are hung up that they don’t have the title or the platform that they want. We have got to shake out those definitions because the world, your neighborhood, your family needs to see real Hope in action.


I am beginning to lose count of the number of times the Lord has urged me to share.  It might be an inkling of something going on with someone.  It might be a part of their story they revealed.  It might be the look of desperation and a pattern I see in their behavior. 

It is always, always, always used for the good to point to His sufficiency, to comfort, and to encourage toward the next step of help.  It is likened to offering someone a cup of cool refreshing water—Living Water.

Trauma happens oft times quickly, but it’s thorns and roots can grow deep and stick for a long time.  One experience may precipitate a lifetime of experiences that build into greater confusion unless that pain and brain activity is dealt with at the core.  Trauma changes the atmosphere of a life by changing the inner workings of the brain. 

Atmosphere:  a surrounding influence or environment

However, the beauty of the way God engineered the brain means that there is hope.  Hope 24 hours after or 36 years after.  We cannot push something down and expect it to not affect us.  It begins to form figurative cancer or gangrene in our lives by shaping patterns of choice and beliefs.

Our very nature tells us to hide.  It tells us “this would be too much for others.”  It tells us “people would reject you.”  It tells us “you are screwed up and done for.” 

We craft a life of hiding, numbing and of covering to make it through in order to hold us together.  Then, one day, because we are mere mortals, everything begins to fall apart, splitting open and we sit in a deep well of darkness.  We don’t recognize where we are.  We don’t even know how to ask for help because we are confused as to why we are there.  We feel that there is no way out…only deeper down into darkness.  There’s a choice…make sense of life with our own thoughts and behaviors…chase our desires or…

But God.  Six letters that change the atmosphere.  Six letters that change the core of who we are and how we can face the day.  Six letters that literally split the curtain of hostility in two.  Six letters that light a match filling that dark cavern and that lead the way out by showing us what is really there and illuminating true hope.  Six letters that shatter the power of our experiences. 

I have learned time and time again that we desperately need to be reminded of this.  We cannot be reminded if we have not shared…if no one knows.  When we keep it to ourselves, we are literally chained with heavier and heavier chains.  When we tell others to keep it to themselves, we chain that shame to them as well.  Isolation is the Devil’s playground, and he delights in our spinning thoughts in cavernous isolation. 

Jesus came to set us free, to lighten us, to bring abundant life.  These are NOT flippant words that mean we have a big smile on our face and say #blessed all the time.  It means we have hope through tears, through darkness, through pain.  It means that we have a Beautiful Savior and Defender to lean into.  It means we can offer the cup of water to others and not be afraid of their struggle or pain. 

I spoke to my friend yesterday… “If the Gospel is true…there is nothing to fear in sharing past, present or future.”

He who had no sin, Jesus, became sin for us that we might have the righteousness of God.  This is not a result of ANYTHING we have done to deserve it; it’s grace.  When we surrender our pride, our wills, our arrogance seeing the beauty of Who God is and our separation from Him, and we trust in the name and work and sufficiency of Jesus, our very hearts change.  The Spirit of God comes to reside in us to love us, to teach us, to guide us, to warn and convict us, to chase us when we wander off.  On this earth, sin is not our ruling master anymore, but it surely still has a place in our thoughts and lives until we die.  And, the reality of that sin hurts us, hurts those in our lives—and the sins of others wounds us.  So, what do we do with that?

The reality of the Gospel in our lives:

“Who shall separate us from the Love of Christ?  Tribulation or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through HIM who LOVED us.  NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING (paraphrased) will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:35, 37-38

 “There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus for the law of the Spirit of life has SET YOU FREE from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

All who received Him and believed on His name, He gave power to become children of God. So those in Christ, may draw near to Him.  He has a Father’s heart toward you to comfort, to discipline, to guide, to help you grow and to conform more to His image.  And, that is the most freeing place to be!!!

“Do not fear.  I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.” Isaiah 43:1

It DOESN’T say…

**for those of you who only struggle with this “socially acceptable” group of sins

**for those who look like they have it together on the outside

**for those who are “good” examples

**for those who are not confused or doubting

**for those who have no deep shame about decisions they have made

**for those who are not broken

**for those who have not experienced sexual trauma

**for those who have not committed __________ sin

It doesn’t say that, but we surely act like it does at times.  We surely give others that message. 

Scandalous graceOffensively, shocking favor you did not earn or deserve

Let’s act in accordance.  He changes who we are, and He calls us to follow Him and be like Him by giving us His Spirit.  It’s not a license to do whatever and call it good (that’s cheap grace).  There is gravity to why Jesus had to be born of a virgin, to die and to be resurrected to conquer sin and death.  It’s not to say “God loves you and go on your way chasing whatever you think is right.”  We are going to struggle.  We are going to make a mess of things in relationships, in parenting, in dealing with our pain.  We are going to get confused at times.  BUT GOD brings us to Himself again and again—and we have the opportunity to know Him more deeply and to value the things He values and become more like Him.  Less of me—more of Him—is what I pray to offer others.  Lean into Him and His people, friend.

My letter to all the Mommas

Dear Momma,

I am going to need you to take a moment to breathe. Deep in through the nose; push out through the mouth. Do that a few times.

Then, I want you to relax your shoulders–I know they are high. Isn’t it crazy that the more that is “on” your shoulders in responsibility that they tighten and move up instead of being weighed down? Let’s admit you feel that weight…some put on by others, some put on by you.

Next, take a moment to identify where you are today. You know that “you are here” sign on a map? Or, possibly the blinking dot on your map app? Right here, right now, what are you feeling? Anger, sadness, anxiety, joy, endorphins? Exhaustion, depression, desperation? Numbness, hopelessness? Write it down.

And now, I want you to take a moment to trace back where that feeling is coming from. What are you thinking or believing that is leading to that emotion? Identify what’s going on in there subconsciously. Were you scrolling and seeing what others had accomplished and believed that you were behind? Is something critical that someone said to you in the back of your head clanging around your every move? Are you thinking on a scripture that is illuminating life? Are you operating on assumptions from past failures?

Here’s what I bet you are thinking…”who has the luxury of time to do this? I have already been interrupted 49 times! and, plus if I do think, I might be in a puddle of tears…Get real, Jen!”

Here’s what I know…it is a necessity to examine your heart and your mind because life is lived out of them. What you think on and believe leads to your feelings about life, children, relationships, and your feelings in the moment lead to your behaviors which affect others around you AND YOU. Those experiences feed back into what you think and feel and do.

You might be thinking, I don’t have time to feel or think!! You are already doing it, sister. And, without awareness, you are not living fully. We are all guilty of living half-lives of numbness, shame, anger. Who does that rub off on? Those in your house, your family, your friends. And…guess what? Where you choose to turn your heart (moment by moment and day by day) slowly makes you what you are.

You were made for more than being a machine that checks off the boxes of getting your kids the “right stuff” or chasing after success or appearing like you have it “together.” You are made in the image of your Creator, but sin has muddied up that image. It can be really confusing to navigate this playing field, and having kids truly shows you that you “do not got this.” It leads to more noise in life to confuse us.

If you do not take time to breathe and to examine yourself and to get to know the One who made you, who can save you, who can give you abundant life in this upside-down world, you are missing the whole point.

“But Jen, when am I supposed to do that? You are just adding another ‘should’ to the list of life! I don’t need that!”

And, I confidently say, from experience, that the list of to-dos does not matter apart from this. The list is forming you and killing you at the same time. There is true LIFE to be lived that is often opposite in rhythm to what the noise out there is telling you to “be.”

After you identify what you are thinking and believing, you need to ask if it is true. What if you are running on assumptions that are simply not true? What would the fruit of that be?

A little hint…all of us are. That is why we need to examine what we are believing and then counter it with what is REALLY true.

Jesus, who knows a bit about what is true since He created the universe (Colossians 1:16, John 1:3), is eternal (John 1:2), holds all things together (Colossians 1:17), is TRUTH and the WAY and the LIFE (John 14:6), and MADE a WAY for us to be set FREE by the TRUTH (Ephesians 2:1-10)…He is the best place to see truth.

God, by the Spirit, revealed truth and preserved truth in His word that we might know HIM, love Him, delight in Him, and be changed in Him. He made a way through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus to bring us into relationship with Himself. When His word (His very character) illumines our way, we walk away differently.

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.” Psalm 119:9

“How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth. Through your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way. Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Psalm 119:103-105

So, dear Momma, today I call you out in the most gentle and gracious of ways to tackle what you are believing with what is really true. Take those shackles off. There are so many things that we tell ourselves and believe that are unconscious. We gotta bring em up. Then, we need to tell them what is really true. First…from God’s word–those are called big T eternal truths and then little T truths about experientially what is important.

For example: I am failing my kids because I don’t do ____________.

Big T truth–God is sovereign. He will never leave me or forsake me. He gently guides those who have young. He told me to come to Him when I am weak and heavy laden and take His yoke upon me. I entrust my children to Him–I cannot control their hearts.

Little t truths– Just because someone else is doing something with their kids, doesn’t mean that it is a necessity for us. We cannot do all the things, and we are taking time to examine what is a priority to our family. What is most important is spending time relationally with my kids–am I investing in that way? My son’s needs at this time do not look like our neighbors. I am being faithful in things that I don’t give myself credit for…I will stop to remember these instead of scrolling and panicking.

Momma…breathe, listen, remember with gratitude, set your mind on truth… If Social Media is killing you, kill it for awhile. If the schedule is eating you alive, see what is truly necessary…It might be killing your kids, too. This time is precious, and your child will most likely be a regular citizen with a family and no professional sports in their career. Don’t regret the time you have now. And, Momma, show up today with truth girding you up. Show up knowing you are weak, but you can take hope in One who gives grace and mercy and has no anger toward you. The greatest gift you can give your children is pointing to your weakness and being satisfied in Him–because that is the hope for your children, as well.

With love and understanding,


Making the Word Come Alive

“Remain in Me…let My words remain in you…”

I can trace my life each week–my feelings, my behaviors, my thoughts–simply by the time I spend in God’s word and in His presence.

More tired, snippy, impatient? Yep, I skimped on time with Him. Sorry to people who dealt with me last week!

Quick to assume and to judge and angry? Yep, I did not take time to quiet my soul and listen to Him and instead started with my to-do list.

More anxious and critical and less grounded? It tells the story of being disconnected from the Father and overly connected to the noise outside of me.

The more I am aware of my tendencies and the way I work, the more my excuses don’t have validity. My thoughts (what I am feeding them to focus on) lead to my feelings (how I see and experience the world and myself) which leads to my behavior (how I chose to act and interact).

The Holy Creator-Redeemer-Shepherd-Sustainer knows this quite well. In fact, He lived it on this Earth. Yes, Even God-Man himself, Jesus, pulled away to pray, to be renewed, to commune with His Father. People were CLAMORING for Him…literally following Him around the countryside NEEDING him. He had 12 guys who left everything they knew to FOLLOW Him, and He would go MIA. His disciples were dumbfounded…how could He when this _________ was needed?

Jesus, perfect Jesus, knew that His thoughts affected His feelings which affected His behaviors. He was tempted. He was tired. He felt the weight of humanity around Him in His human body. He gave us a template for living life in the battle. We are to commune with the Father just as He did. And…let us all be reminded that NOTHING on our to-do list was as important as what was on His.

This is countercultural to a mentality to busy things up…to take care of business…to produce, produce, produce. In fact, just like Jesus, if we follow this template, we are going to tick some people off. They will not like or understand the boundary. They might criticize and shame you and question your commitment. However, I am here to tell you…following your own wisdom and the pace that this world sets for you WILL devour your soul. You will be rendered ineffective. You “don’t got this.” You are one who needs refreshment from the Father, reminders of Hope, renewal in the Spirit, a clothing of His character. He is God, and you are not.

So, if you wonder how in the world do I even do this? I will give you snippets over the coming weeks. One way that is huge for me is to meditate on scripture–by posting it, singing it, praying it. Sometimes it even comes into my art….

Who Do You Think You Are?

The question that stared back at me from my devotional…”who do you think you are?”

Seriously…I sat down and started writing. I encourage you to, as well.

before the world got a hold of me

At 18 I was the most sure of who I was, and I am not that girl anymore. That is healthy and good, and that is NOT my work inside of me. My ideas and plans about life encumber (impedes/hampers the function or activity of) my identity. God gradually shepherds me to freedom by dismantling my efforts and thoughts. Truly.

This has been a season of stripping me of my coping mechanisms and thoughts. There are pieces of me that I cannot put together. It feels unnerving and right all at the same time.

So, back to “who do I think I am?”

I’m Jen, a girl who is held and rescued by God.

I’m fickle at heart, but He continues to gently shepherd me to be more like Him.

I cannot charm or succeed on my own. I used to think I could, but I do not want to now.

I have glimpses of my Father’s creativity and, at my best, glimpses of His relational presence.

I have had and have different roles in my life–leader, wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, school counselor, pastor’s daughter, pastor’s wife, momma to two boys, business owner, struggler with fertility, starter of a non-profit, disciple-maker, serial dater, avoider of conflict. These are not who I am, but they help shape me by dismantling my own agenda.

I am a new creation with a softened heart of flesh that is learning and yearning everyday.

Because of Jesus’ work on the Cross, I am holy, beloved, righteous. I am not my own, and that is sooooo good.

I struggle and don’t have pure desires. I seek my own way, but that does not define me. He does.

I have freedom in Jesus to look at the areas where I completely seek my own way–not trusting Him. I can be honest, repentant, and broken, and forsake those places with the Holy Spirit’s power.

I have hope of new mercies (not getting what I deserve) every morning.

I don’t have to hide or pretend. I am not perfect, but I am His. He is faithful to complete the work in me throughout my lifetime.

I have gifts to add to the world–humor, creativity, global ideas, encouragement…and gifts that I need from others to flourish. I am not made to do this alone.

I used to think that having it all together, looking strong, and impressing others was the key to life. That is just not true. See, we are created to need others–and that includes God. Even if we were perfect, we would need others. What God brings year after year to my life is humility that “I don’t got this.” And, little by little, I am learning to embrace that. There is freedom, life, and joy there.

I encourage you today to take stock of who you are. That may feel like a scary thought…and actually it is. But, do we run from scary thoughts or do we face them in courage? I want to know who you are becoming. Will you share with me?

Starting a new project means…

My youngest started kindergarten 3 full weeks ago. It’s the longest time I have been away from my children since they were born.
The first two days I felt like I had been dumped on a deserted island. I didn’t know where to start or what to feel. I felt an appendage had been taken away.
I have tackled several projects that I had not had space to do like painting my kids’ rooms, changing them around, and painting their doors.
The second weekend brought a gnawing feeling to the surface…a sadness, an ache. It hit me…a season of parenting was done. Goodbye to the little years of early childhood, goodbye to squishy faces. I suddenly realized what the women in the line at the grocery store felt as they told me to treasure the years. They knew the gift that is hard to treasure in the midst of the toil of diapers and tantrums and sleepless nights. I finally understood that they knew exactly how I felt and what I would feel. And…they know the grief that accompanies transitioning through each stage.
So, I began this week with the realization of a new grief, and I knew I needed to embrace new adventures in the midst. So, I took myself downtown and just walked around taking pics of buildings to do a little watercolor painting. There was no distinct plan–just the first room to give myself some space to embrace the new. When I am sad or not sure how to process something, I find somethign to fill my time and my creativity.

Gay street favorites–Babalu and Maple Hall
Market Square: The Tomato Head

So, here we go…here are my first stabs at my little project. I could name it “my kids are in middle childhood and I am trying to figure out how I feel about it” project.

The beautiful Tennessee Theater
Market Square: The Oliver, Oliver Royale and Tupelo Honey

a pivotal moment

The floor felt like it opened up to swallow me.  Thoughts and words and ideas and foundations were challenged as I sipped a frozen coffee and listened.    

At 21 years old and a senior in college, I assumed I would be a bit more stable.  In the prior year, I had seen my foundations fracture due to my own choices.  What started as hairline fractures burst into chasms in which I could not charm my way out of.   I hurt others.  I chose my own comfort for the moment.  I began to see that my self-righteousness was a front for the sin that lay beneath.  What stung the most for this people pleaser was that others called me out on my mess.  In 2019 terms, I was having a “brand crisis.”     

Looking in the mirror, the person I thought I was faded, and I did not know who this young woman had become.  One might be thinking I had gotten into a scandal of epic size, but it was not.  A poorly handled breakup and a poorly handled rebound where I hurt others started the snowball down the hill.  I kept trying to spin my choices in the eyes of others, and I found myself further in a hole.  I had lost fellowship with God as I walked my day to day life, and it became about my own wisdom.  Spoiler alert:  I had an overinflated picture of my own wisdom and resources. 

I could recognize and feel the grossness and inconsistencies within me for the first time.  Up until then, I really thought I had it together.  I know—yuck.  I had depended upon God, but I did not have a truthful view of myself and Him. 

So, as I sat looking at God’s word in a totally different way, I was greatly sobered.  Before, I had cherry picked verses that were encouraging or convicting.  Never had I studied through a book of the Bible or listened to teaching in that way.  I did not know how.  Never had I let God’s word inform me of what God was like.  I took what people told me and the wisdom that I had and formulated my faith. 

Ephesians 1 was before me…had I ever read it before?  It was plain, and it shook me. When I allowed the Bible coupled with the Spirit to speak…I was confronted that I was not the center of my story.  Though humbling, it was so freeing.  This freedom and joy only came after a war waged within.

This was the beginning of my journey of looking at God, His word and my faith in a different way.  See, I totally would be a different person today had this change not occurred. Every year and in every pain, He leads me deeper and deeper into His truth.  Sadly, I see where I could have been apart from His grace to show me the treasure of His word and who He is.  From my background, I assume I would still be in church.  I would still be a people helper.  However, knowing myself, I think the authenticity and vulnerability would not be there.  The richness of relationships would not be there.  I think my view of God would have shifted to be more culturally acceptable. I would not have had the anchor of God’s sure character within pain.  In infertility, in death and loss and grief, in ministry…I literally would be unrecognizable if I still thought I was the center of the story.  I would have missed the beauty of who He is.

If I can encourage people of anything in this life, it is to examine His word and to ask Him for wisdom and grace in learning from it.  For, from it, He shows Himself and in turn, one sees the reality of who they are. 

See, if God is the center and the praise of His glory is the point, I have found and am finding that there is meaning and worship and hope and eternal purpose in all things—even the most crushing of blows.  I can go to His truth preserved and find my identity and meaning there—even when I don’t understand and don’t like what I read.  He does not shift or change as everything around us does.  His purposes are true and eternal and good.   So, wrestle friends. It is worth it.

Pieces of me

I remember the exhilarating feeling of the Summer after graduating high school.  I was 18, seemingly confident, and full of wonder for the future.  I can feel that ghost of a girl as I fondly look back.  Her identity would take some hits in the coming years.

I remember the trepidation and excitement as I spent the first night in my dorm room at the University of Tennessee alone. The lonely moved in that night, and a foreign reality set in.  The familiarities of life in a small town with the rhythms of predictable and warm people was traded for an upside down perspective where no one knew me or valued me. 

I remember getting a call from Delta Airlines offering me a job after graduating from UTK.  After training, I would be living in New York City with many people in an apartment.  Adventure called, and it sounded good but made me nauseated with fear.  My heart failed me, and due to health issues amidst training, I landed back at home with my parents unable to drive for 2 ½ months.  Talk about a pride crushing anti-climax. 

As I reflect, there have been a lot of times where I have been in a season with no plan, a timid voice and a questioning of my abilities. 

Transitional seasons in life have brought me right back to that scared, excited, lonely girl in that dorm room who mistakenly thought she knew herself.

Adult life can feel predictable, but the truth is, we are all being flipped on our heads all of the time with change, grief and conflict.  So, why don’t we talk about it? We isolate our inner turmoil and find ways to turn it’s noise down instead of sharing our fears with others.  Then, instead of exploring it, we self-destruct making asinine decisions that might destroy our families and our friendships in the process.

It’s funny.  In the last year, I have experienced high confidence in who I am and how I am growing in the aftermath of a really tough season.    Yet, Right now, I am plunged into a place where I feel my shortcomings, my selfishness, my lack of focus and how that affects the lives around me greater than I ever have before.  Who in the heck am I? As a kid, I had no idea adults were walking around feeling this way!

The Lord keeps giving me this picture of my life as pieces of paper ripped and piled up, unable to be made sense of by me. Since thinking and problem solving are my go-to activities, I have been frustrated.  I have this need to work it out and find a reason for things to be happening and how to solve them or spin them for a purposed good. And yet, He continues to remind me, “Show up right now, Jen.  You are not to figure it all out.  Don’t hide in your mind or your activities. Show up, and rely on Me.”    He is the One making the collage.  He knows the vision.  It is not my job to have the plan and piece the pile together. My purpose is to lean in, to know Him, and to trust Him.  It is there that peace is found.    

Empathy is one of my gifts but grieving is not.  So, I emote for others but I struggle to sit with and identify my emotions myself.  It feels too unpredictable.  It feels wrong.  I want to run from it, yet God does not let me.  Without the moments in my life where I am floundering and lack my sea legs to find a place and an identity (like all the situations mentioned above), I trust in myself and my abilities.    I stay on the surface. 

With each transition of undoing and being remade, I see the emptiness of life in Jen.  I see a shell of life with no pearl formed.  I see vacuous decisions.  Not that I seek it, but It is through pain, questions, annoyance, arrogance, loss, frustrations, hurts, and conflict that the grit has been rubbing my soul to form a pearl that reflects the glories of Him and not of my plans or my desires.  Good grief, what I would dream and desire would be empty and easy and so far away from the splendor of knowing the Creator of the Universe as my adopted Father.   So, I sit in the pieces, grieving the “not yet” and sitting in the “already” of redemption.  I am learning ever so clumsily. 

Sprinkled or Power-Washed?

The last few days, I have been one with the pressure washer. The space on our deck seemed to triple in that time. I had LOTS of time to think, to pray, to ponder, and to learn.

Pressure washing is oddly satisfying. You can see results in the stripping of dirt and grime. There is power there. Used effectively, it transforms.

Funny how dirt works. It builds over time, and it is subtle. We are the same way. We are affected and changed by the day in and day out grime that builds up. Often we do not even recognize the change in our hearts and lives until we tank. That whole caveat that we become who we are around…it’s true. We have become like the world in so many ways. Our hearts become hardened and our ears gunky so as to not be able to discern falsehood. Our mouths tend to be loose and prone to criticize and to complain. Our minds become cloudy with anxiety and questions and thoughts of self-preservation and self-worship.

The power washer to us? God’s character and word by His Spirit. The problem? Most of us use His word like the trickle of a hose. It might feel refreshing to our felt need of the day, but it does not transform. A little devotion here, a little worship there, check out this therapeutic book, say some prayers for your business, your kids, your attitude… We come in contact with the water, but we do not understand and feel it’s power. We want the benefits of Him without knowing Him.

I have had many different relationships with the Bible in my life. Earlier on, it was facts to memorize, words to sing, and prayers to pray. As life marched on, it became truth to wrestle with. A little further in, water for my parched and disoriented soul. Deeper in, the invitation to die to my definitions of fulfillment and to live in His definitions.

There are times that I feel the sting of that power washer digging into the build up of my comfort and pride and the very ways that I define myself. It is painful, but it is necessary to bring greater growth and health and life. I know it is out of love from the Spirit. See, I can age and weather and get build up and look like everyone else, and at times, that feels very comfortable. But, then the rot comes. The fungi gets in the cracks and creates rot, and it spreads like a cancer. When Jesus commanded us to remain and abide in Him, His words, His love, that was not a suggestion for a trickle of water. He calls us to depend, to be transformed, and to be renewed.

I see the rot happening all too often in my own life and in that of others when we are choose not to be equipped to deeply dive into the Word of God and to be transformed. Time and time again, I see the drift. I see people falling for the “Did God really say?” (Genesis 3) When we are not versed in who God really is and what He is about (which is found in the letter from Him to us in His word), we tend to choose what sounds the best and makes the most sense within the culture. We have the build up and we have lost the sensitivity for what is really true.

There are some things (well, a lot) that completely do not make sense to my natural heart and thoughts in the Bible. I want to get along, love everybody, make them feel good about themselves and have them feel good about me. Those are the basics of Jen. But, as I have come to know Him more–in the light of His character displayed in His word–I know that my desires are often contrary to good. I may think I am doing good to someone, but I am actually contributing to my rot and to their rot. See, I can paint a deck with the best of them. I can pick a really cute color and scheme and make it look good for the moment. However, the inside of those pieces of wood and the stability of the decking will show. The winds will come and the rain will come down, and it will crash.

In learning to study His word, I throw out the foundation of sand which looks appealing to the outside. I begin to be grounded and have a sure foundation on the rock. The pressure washer stings when it hits my pride, my bitterness, my arrogance, my longing to please others, my anxieties, my self-worship, my disregard for others in need… However, I am then free from those things and free to see, to hear, and to commune with the Father. My soul finds rest in following Him. I walk healthier and with more of a regard for others and their truest needs. The grime builds up everyday, and everyday I need the transforming power and words of the gospel which frees me from myself.