tricky

Balance in life is tricky, is it not?  I find that true especially with littles.  If I feel like I have “conquered” one thing, I have “failed” or completely ignored another.  The “you can have it all” life is not true no matter how much we fight to prove it is.  Our hearts, minds, and physical bodies are only able to handle so much–and yet we attempt to be god everyday.

We were created to need our Creator with everything in us.  That need is good even though our flesh cries against it most times.  I am reminded of this as my boys will pitch fits and recoil from me when I am trying to help them.  They scream “No, I do it myself–go away!!!!”  All the while I am thinking “let me know how that goes for you–I am simply trying to help you!”  Boy, do I see a mirror of myself and God in my children.  I see the ridiculousness of my tantrums and behaviors, and I gulp.

And yet, He is much more gracious and patient than I am.  When I look back over the trials and struggles of the last ten years, I see patterns and themes.  God uses different circumstances to continue to deal with the same rebellion and weakness in me.  I think I “get” the point, and yet I see how deep rooted my unbelief is.  I see such good parenting in His approach with me.  I see the beautiful tapestry He is weaving that is bringing me the greatest good–His presence.

Past experience tells me He can be trusted, but I want to buck and run every time the pain of life rears its ugly head.  What this tells me is that I do not want to go deep.  I do not want to be bothered.  This tells me where my treasure is.  Jesus told us “where our treasure is, there our heart is also.”  He was speaking of storing up treasures on earth verses treasures in Heaven.  He tells us that no one can serve two masters.  He wants all of me, and in Him, all of me is filled.  I try to fill myself with little treasures here and there that are like Happy Meal trinkets compared to the deep riches of knowing Him.  I create more pain by trading Him for these temporal treasures.  (see Matthew 6 for further study) Then, I get angry at the consequences.

Bad parenting lets the child have his whims.  Good parenting thinks of the child’s end–maturity.  Therefore, it is a consistent purpose-filled leading of the heart of that child teaching them truth and showing them how to live in it.  Sometimes I just want God to leave me alone, but He cannot.  He is a good Father which has promised to share with me His Holiness–his greatest gift.  (see Hebrews 12 for deeper study of this)

Most of the time that I blog, it is simply a time to work out on paper what God is crafting in me.  As I write, I learn and discover.  This is one of those reminders from Him.  I choose today to trust Him.  I choose to look at all the Ebenezers  (monuments in my life where I remember where He has helped and established me–in hebrew “stone of help) and remember His hand and heart of faithfulness.  As an exercise, I list these.  Every time I see that I know Him and experience Him more deeply than I ever would if I had gotten what I wanted in the moment–whether children, marital ease, success in my timing, lack of loss, healing in my timing, lack of diagnoses.  The list could go on and on–and there will be further challenges.  The common denominator is always my heart and His goodness in shaping it.  No matter how much I fight against it, I want my Good Loving Father to do me His good.  I want Him to do that good in my children’s lives even though I know that will bring pain to my heart, as well.  Treasures in Heaven, dear Lord, help my heart be focused there.

Come Thou Fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

Streams of mercy never ending

Call for songs of loudest praise

Teach me some melodious sonnet

Sung by flaming tongues above

Praise thy name I’m fixed upon it

Name of thy redeeming love.

 

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness like a fetter

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wonder Lord I feel it

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it,

Seal it for thy courts above.

 

Here I raise mine Ebenezer, Here by Thy great help I’m come.

And I hope by Thy good pleasure safely to arrive at Home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God;

He to rescue me from danger; interposed His precious blood.